The Connection with Jay Miralles

How One Man Turned Tragedy into Purpose and connected with the 50-Mile March

• Jay Miralles • Season 4 • Episode 40

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What happens when unimaginable tragedy strikes, and you're left to pick up the pieces? Brett Allen's story is one of profound loss transformed into purpose through connection and courage.

Brett's life changed forever when his ex-wife Cari was murdered by her boyfriend—a veteran who fled to Belize before being brought to justice. Despite this traumatic connection to the veteran community, Brett made the remarkable choice to participate in the 50-Mile March, an event supporting veterans' mental health and suicide prevention.

As a single father raising his teenage son Brendan, Brett navigates the complex terrain of grief with raw honesty. "The worst thing as a parent is knowing your child is hurting and there's nothing you can do about that," he shares. Throughout our conversation, Brett reveals the challenges of supporting his son through milestones his mother will never see, while processing his own pain and seeking help when traditional masculine norms might have dictated silence.

What makes Brett's journey so powerful is his refusal to let tragedy define him. Instead of harboring resentment, he asked himself, "Is there something I can do to prevent this from happening to someone else?" This question led him to join a community of "crazy people" willing to push their bodies to the limit—walking 50 miles over 22 grueling hours—to raise awareness about veteran suicide and homelessness.

The conversation explores how trauma reshapes our priorities, the importance of mental health resources, and the healing power of purposeful challenge. Brett's participation in the march represents not just personal healing but a message to his son: "We can do hard things if we put our mind to it."

Join us for this moving episode that reminds us grief isn't something you "get over," but something you move through—and how connecting with others on similar journeys can transform individual pain into collective purpose. Whether you're facing your own struggles or supporting someone through theirs, Brett's story offers both comfort and inspiration.

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Intro Voice:

Connecting the dots, connecting his guests to the world, creating more connections. Welcome to the Connection. Meet your host. Author, coach, air Force veteran Jay Morales.

Jay:

Thanks for joining us again here on the Connection. I'm very grateful to have Brett Allen with us today and, brett, crazy, you shared your story. We've heard of it, but before we get to all that, let's talk about the first time you heard about the 50 Mile March.

Brett:

It was last year A couple of participants that I knew. Dave Swearingen, who's my platoon leader this year, was doing it, so I kind of followed him along. And then one of my good friends, Kimberly Garber, did it last year. She came from Kansas. Oh yeah, I followed both of them.

Jay:

She came all the way up. Yep, I do remember that she had the cool American flag shoes on the brookies. Yeah, I wanted one of those so bad. So now we figured out your connection to the 50 Mile March, let's talk about you as a person and then we'll go on to other subjects. Brett, what occupies your time? What do you do during the day?

Brett:

During the day, I work for the law firm that has the contract to run the child support services for Douglas County. How long have you been doing that? I've been there for 24 years. You've seen a lot. I've seen a lot of things. I've done a lot there.

Jay:

Yeah, are you from Omaha originally.

Brett:

Not originally. Originally I'm from the other end of the state, from Gearing Ge.

Jay:

Not originally, originally, I'm from the other end of the state, from Gearing, gearing, okay, yeah, well, heck, I drove through Gearing one time by accident and I'm going to tell you this they had a lot of above-ground swimming pools in the front yard, brother, yeah, well, in the front. Yeah, put it where you can put it. Yes, good old Gearing, a friend of Michelle is from Gearing. You probably know her and I'll connect you guys, hessler.

Brett:

Yeah.

Jay:

Yeah, did you know her too? I know Hessler Get out, I'm not sure which of the family tree, but here's the connection.

Brett:

Yeah, I graduated with Michelle Hessler, Mikey Hessler.

Jay:

That's Mikey.

Brett:

Yeah, that's her. Yeah, yeah, of course. We just saw her a few weeks ago. We're back for a class reunion. Get out of here.

Jay:

See, this is what I talk about on the Connection. So our podcast, right, it's all about connection, our life is all about connection and you just never know. But people never listen enough. Listen enough. I could have just said, oh, gearing, I could have just went on with the joke, but it hit me the name and when you said, mikey, there's a connection there, you can't mistake her for anybody, you cannot. That's awesome, brother. Wow, I'm wild right now on my podcast. So, brett Gearing, what made you move from there? When did you move?

Brett:

from there, from there, when did you move from there? So I did my undergrad down in Kansas City and after I graduated there in 99, I had a buddy that was that I knew that was moving to Omaha for a teaching job. And he's like hey, you want to move to Omaha? Sure, why not? Big town, Kansas City was nice. I think it's a better place to visit than live for me, I agree, and so you know. Coming back to Nebraska, that was the other end of the state. So I've been here. What 25 years.

Jay:

You know, time flies, right, you think about it. Somebody watching right now. They're saying Nebraska, omaha, they think of cornfields and they think of all the other things. But you know what would you tell somebody? To say, hey, here's what we have. That's really cool. What do you love about Omaha or Nebraska?

Brett:

It's a little big city, I mean there's a little bit to do everywhere, whether it's arts or sporting events. We have so many restaurants. It's ridiculous. It's the food capital second food capital of the world, and they're always busy, which I don't understand, but yeah, so there's a lot to do and, unlike a lot of big cities like Denver and stuff, you can get around in Omaha pretty quickly. It's true, it's a 22 minute town.

Jay:

Yeah, I'm mad about 22 minutes of traffic or 23 minutes of traffic. Let's be honest, yeah.

Brett:

So you can go from one end to the other end and you don't have to. You know worry about, you know how necessarily, how long it's going to take, and that's true.

Jay:

Except when I drive to Bellevue. I don't know what it is, brother. That's a whole different. That's a whole different. I swear to you, I don't know any shortcut to Bellevue, and it seems like every place I want to go to Bellevue is 37 minutes away.

Brett:

I don't know why. I think you went like going to a sporting event. You think it's in Bellevue and it's like it's a road trip.

Jay:

Oh, you got to pack a lunch. Hey, Bellevue, we love you, but no love lost there, All right. So what do you do outside of work? What do you? How are you connected in the community or what occupies?

Brett:

your time. My son usually occupies my time. Tell me about your son. He's a senior at Miller North. He's just doing wrestling now, Once he heals up. He just had surgery, yeah, but other than that it's me and him we are pretty much connected going everywhere together.

Jay:

That's awesome, Father son huh Very, very close. Yeah, I saw, I think on your timeline first day of school you were lucky to get a wince like a nice little photo.

Brett:

He was on crutches. He's on crutches, but he's a boy, he's 18 and he didn't really want to smile.

Jay:

No, I get it. I get it. He's like Dad. You know, if we can go back to the ages, when they were four, I was looking at my son, so he's 16 now. You can't believe that they were that little. No, no, we tell people all the time oh, we're so busy. Our kids grew up so fast. It's true, life does go very, very fast. And now I want to reconnect to the march. Oh, before your why, you know, you told me how you heard about it. Two great people you know when you heard about it. Take us back to the moment that you remember hearing about it. What? Because everyone interprets it different. What? What did you think it was? Or what did you I?

Brett:

I really didn't know a whole lot about. You know why. I mean what you guys are doing and what the mission was. Yeah, that's all. Yes, people marching 50 miles and I'm like, well, there's a group of crazy people which is which is kind of fun and exciting because I like crazy people. I love crazy people. That's why, that's why you're here, right. But then you know, I started getting talked to them and everybody has their different reasons why they do it. You know the mission you guys do and just helping people veterans so I really, you know, started researching a little bit and you, how, how could that relate to me in my life? And yeah, just kind of like, you know what I, I see, I see what they're doing. I I was kind of jealous watching the march last year sure you're like what am I?

Brett:

yeah well, these guys are doing something, I'm not doing anything. Um, and then the actual knowing how hard it's going to be, kind of kind of exciting in a weird way.

Jay:

Yeah, it is it is it, we're gluttons. You got to be a glutton for pain, it's true, and you know everyone has a connection and a reason why. So I do want to talk about your reason why. Now you know, and I know in all respect. I want to respect the story. So your ex-wife, carrie, tell me about you know what happened there of ofed her throughout the night, um eventually got into her house and waited for her to get home.

Brett:

Still why she's in the house? She didn't know he was there and he's messing her like she's downstairs and to Topeka, where he was from, buried it and then decided to skip the country and go to Belize.

Jay:

Was he extradited later back?

Brett:

He was. They got him, so that all happened. November 20th was when she was killed. Was he extradited later? Back, I mean from the Sheriff's Department to the US Marshals, to Omaha Police Department, to Topeka Police Department, shawnee County, I mean Douglas County Attorney's Office, I mean everyone was absolutely phenomenal.

Jay:

No, I can appreciate that. I want to stay here for a second with you. Know, it's a veteran, right? Just a natural reaction. And you've got the reactions like, man, that's a veteran who did that, you know. And you're not a veteran. No, no, you didn't serve, right. But here's the part where people have asked you and in my mind, the first thing I heard in my head say, well, isn't he angry? Right? That's just my gut reaction, like I'll just tell you. I'm going to speak this out loud because I want to articulate what I'm, what I felt. This guy, his ex-wife, was killed, you know, by a veteran. And why isn't he angry at veterans? Right? That was just a gut, no. But then I thought about it a little bit. I'm like this must be a good guy, I've got to meet him. So, brett, tell us your process of thinking. And you know, right when you found out he was a vet. So you've, oh well, you already knew.

Brett:

Yeah, you're right, we've done things together.

Jay:

Okay, so you guys got along.

Brett:

We got kids and all that stuff Okay.

Brett:

Yeah, I guess I mean, trust me, there is anger in here, but towards him, the act that he did, yes, but just the pain that came of it because of this act and, like I said, the conversations I've had to have with my son, I wish upon no one, but I know people have to have them. I mean, I'm not unique in that situation. So I really thought, you know, is there something that I can do to maybe help prevent this from happening to someone else? Because it is absolutely. I mean, I can replay so many conversations that I mean I just it's cringeworthy and you shouldn't have to have and no kid should have to hear.

Jay:

I can't imagine you here, even sitting in front of me, saying is there something I can do about this?

Brett:

I mean right yeah well, I mean you can either sit at home and do nothing and hope the world changes, or you can take an active role in trying to help facilitate change.

Jay:

But this happened to your son's mother, right? This happened to you as a family at some and, yes, she was your ex-wife. But the conversations you know to your son and all respect for your son and your family too I didn't think about it even before this interview. I hate telling my kids any bad news about anybody. You know what I mean. Oh, mom got hurt or mom had cancer or mom this, but would you care to share anything? Yeah? If you don't, it's okay.

Brett:

As parents, the worst thing to do is know your child is hurting and there's nothing you can do about that. I mean there's no salve you can put on it. You can't take them to the doctor, bandage it up. I mean, there's nothing you can do.

Jay:

It's true, and I think people need to realize that, that it no matter what you do, no matter how great of a dad you are your, your kid, has to grieve right, or the people who love that person have to grieve right, and and you can't bring, you know, a person back.

Brett:

you can't bring, you know, in this case, I can't bring carrie back and I can't replace Carrie. I mean, she was a phenomenal, phenomenal mother and there's no replacing that in any way, shape or form. So yeah, I just kind of I got to. You know, I needed to do something and this, you know, sounds like a good opportunity to get involved and do something and hopefully make a change for someone else out there.

Jay:

like a good opportunity to get involved and do something and hopefully make a change for someone else out there. It's been, it's pretty if you talk to me, and in time wise it's, it's still fresh, it's very fresh. I mean, it's not even a year yet, but it was in 2022, 2022. Okay, well, still a little a little less than three years, but you know you go through A little less than three years.

Brett:

But you go through, you know finding them, and then you go through, you know everything, through the core and the sentencing, and so it's like you think you've got a relief, and then something else happens. Something else happens after that, so you're continually reminded of, you know what people went through, so it's still very, very fresh.

Jay:

You know, when you go through something tragic, you always hear about the aftermath left behind and you know you could be sour and, like you said, there's anger, rightfully so, rightfully so. But again, you know we don't, we can't correlate to one thing. But you know this is where you are stepping out and saying hey, I think I heard it on your interview. You said what if we could prevent something like this from happening again? Think about it. And I think people who are and this is no justification but people who are in distress and have nowhere to go, do some harmful things either to themselves or other people. Right, and before this incident, had you thought about mental health or anything like that before? Or you know, just the well-being of humans, or has this really just elevated it to the top?

Brett:

I thought about it a little bit, but nothing, definitely not the level that I think about it now.

Jay:

Right, right, I mean, we're men, we're about the same age, I think. I think I'm older than you, but my point is this we didn't grow up. Hey, how's your mental health? No, not at all. Matter of fact, we don't talk about those things. You hush, you'll be fine. You're depressed? No, you're just tired. Right, Right, I mean, talk about it now. Like how crucial do you think it is to have the conversation or engage with those who we think need help.

Brett:

It's incredibly important and I think, as you said it, we hold in a lot of stuff and I think, as you said, we hold in a lot of stuff and I think still, we hold in a lot of stuff. Yes, and when you do that, eventually there's going to be a trigger, something that explodes, and whether it could be hurting yourself, hurting someone else, we have to get to a point where we're not allowing that to happen and to see the little things that we know need to get addressed. I'm still letting it fester.

Jay:

That's the word fester. We do. You know how much stuff that hold on from last week, dumb stuff, you know. And here we are, the week of the March. I promise you I've got stress underlying here. I've got frustration, I have passion. I have. I'm tired too, too. Let me look at the eyes, bro. I gotta make some sleep. But? But in society we're taught to brush it off. Yeah, it'll be fine. Um, it'll be fine, as probably the biggest statement to tell ourselves it'll be fine, it really will it.

Brett:

There's nothing. Let me go outside cool down for a minute and it'll be fine. It really will, it is. Let me go outside, cool down for a minute and it'll be fine, it's gone. Then you know, once you you've dealt with that way, it's gone. Obviously it's not stone.

Jay:

So do you engage now with people who, who you think you know, veteran or not? Just it makes some people uncomfortable, brett, for when you see someone crying for help right, and sometimes they're not crying for help the signs aren't so obvious. But I'll tell you I'll engage now. And if I suspect you know, there's just some kind of crisis or hurting inside, I'm not some kind of empath junkie where I want to take over their problems, but I do want to confront them in a respectful way and say, hey, I'm here to engage and get you to the next step. The last thing I want to do, brother, is save anybody. That's not my job. My job is to get you to the next step.

Brett:

And unless someone wants to be saved, you can't save them. I mean, they have to want to be saved. Yeah, it's true. But your point, yeah, I mean I think when I see someone and there's probably more people that I know that they're struggling with something, I think I'm a pretty good person that they can come to and talk to, and obviously I've had some experience with that dealing with things. Yeah, so I think a lot of people do you know, kind of reach out to me a little bit day-to-day life, whether it's at work or outside work.

Jay:

Yeah, you know what, I just never really thought about it, even before this conversation. You know, I never, really never, took your son into account. Right On the surface, I saw you, I didn't see, but you know and I think that's that's the hardest part.

Brett:

I mean us as adults. I think we, we can, like you know we, we can deal with it. But when you think about what your, your kids are going through, I mean you, you can't and you can't deal with that because you can't fix that. And we always want to be fixers. True, true, we've seen better. Right, we hit rock bottom a few times to get to where we're at. Most kids have a traumatic event, maybe here or there, maybe an life, but like all, the, all of his milestones that she misses Um, and I think those are the things that um kind of hurt the most. It's like I mean, he's going to be graduating this year, senior right, you know parents night you know stuff like that, yeah, yeah.

Brett:

Uh, so I think those are the moments that still really get me get me the most.

Jay:

I I I could feel your energy right now like, uh, and it's okay, you don't have to hold any emotion back here. Man, do you get to talk about this like this right now? We're talking in front of a lot of people. That's going to be a large audience, right? I mean, I know you probably do talk to people, but have you been this open? I saw, saw the news. It was a quick three, four minutes.

Brett:

For groups of people, not really. I've had some private conversations with people, but no, not a lot. Yeah, I think you know people still to this day is like how are you doing? I'm fine.

Jay:

Yeah, that's okay. I do want to talk about this, right? No-transcript. He's your, he's a guy. Right, he's a dude. He's a man. Engage and be friendly and if he wants to share the story with you, good for you guys.

Brett:

But I guess I'm not fragile, I'm not going to break.

Jay:

Yeah, I mean, it's crazy, though, you know, just as we were getting ready for this. Hey, is there anything you want me to stay away from? I just want to be respectful, but really I just want to talk about everything that surrounds it. You know what I mean For mental health, for for the people affected, for the people who may be affected. I just we talk about being, oh okay, we'll get some help, we got some counseling, we're good. It goes beyond that. It goes to accountability, finding a tribe. What have you noticed, probably lately, about your healing journey? What have you noticed? I'm not asking you has it gotten better, Because that's not a question I'm asking. I'm asking you heal right. Sometimes there's a big old scar.

Brett:

Yeah, but I think everything I think comes in waves.

Brett:

Yeah, I think we have I have a good set of I mean. I'll have weeks and weeks where I'm pretty good, pretty good, but then something I mean and it could be nothing, it could be you're driving in your car and you see something, a place you drive by, a place that you had done something with, or you hear a song that you know, the words kind of resonate with you and it's that those, those moments are, when it's quiet, that you kind of get kicked in the gut a little bit. Yeah, when it's quiet, um, that you kind of get kicked in the gut a little bit. Yeah, um, so it's, I don't know, I'm, I'm, I'm still trying to figure out this journey a little bit. But yeah, I think getting out there and talking about a little bit more which I I have done, um, it helps and I think it helps people being around me. Yeah, I'm okay talking about it. Yeah, I, actually I can talk about it pretty good, except for when I start talking about my son and the effects it has on my son.

Jay:

That's I can see that. That's why I started up a little bit. Yeah, I saw that you got glossy. Yeah for sure that's when your energy changed. Yeah, I mean senior year. You know this is. This is his year to graduate, to become a man and go out to the world. You've got to enjoy this year, though you have to enjoy this year right of spending the time. There's a parent out there, probably in some similar situation. They're single parenting right now. What's your advice to them to keep it together?

Brett:

To keep it together. I think, just be there as much as you can for your kids, because you're hurting and you have to be okay with yourself if you're going to be able to be there and strong with your kids. So you know, if you need to talk with someone, talk with them. It's okay to have your kids see that you're hurting. I think that shows them that you know. Talk with them. Um, it's okay to let you have your kids see that you're hurting. Yeah, I think that shows them that you know you care too. It's just not them in the fight. Um, my son has seen me, you know, break down many times, yeah.

Jay:

Um, does that happen out of nowhere?

Brett:

Um, sometimes I mean, yeah, uh, well, we'll be doing something and you'll think of, like man, she would really like to been here, yeah.

Jay:

Yeah, and you know she would have.

Brett:

Okay, yeah, that that just doesn't go away. No, it doesn't go away. But I think you know it's okay to show your kids that you're missing them too, and I think I think that helps them to talk about it and see that they're not alone, like they aren't the only one that's hurting here, and it's a journey together. We just try and figure it out at the same time.

Jay:

That's important. I think there are people in this situation where they're listening right now and they're watching the podcast and they're saying, man, I haven't talked about mom or dad who passed, or they just don't see anymore. Parents don't talk about it. Sometimes the grandparents don't talk about it. Sometimes people get sour and people get you know weird about the relationship of not talking anymore. Is that a big fat waste of time?

Jay:

I mean in the scheme of it since 2022, all the things that, and we don't need to go down a list, but were there times where maybe a feud, or conversations or anger, pain and hurt, you know, in between people who couldn't connect, hurt, you know, and between people who couldn't connect? Isn't that just a big waste of time?

Brett:

It is. I mean, I can't even explain how many times that something has happened in the last three years. I've heard something and not to dismiss what people are going through, but things that people like concentrate on and think that you know it was such a big deal or something I was like, in the grand scheme of things, it's very small. Yeah, I mean, let's take an inventory of what's really important in our lives.

Jay:

Yes, brother, we talk about the things that are in our way, our obstacles and goals and, like you said, not to minimize anything, but but you know, in my mind I'm like do you, do you even know what he's been through, or do you know what people like you go through? And then we talk about there's a line at the grocery store there's 37 minutes to Bellevue, right, like, like what are?

Brett:

what are we really mad at? I mean, that's true. And all those things they'll pass. I mean you'll eventually get to Bellevue. I mean hopefully you pack the lunch, but I mean you'll eventually get there and those things will pass, and what's crazy is some things won't right.

Jay:

Some things will never be again.

Brett:

It's just like the march it's going to hurt and it's going to be painful and we're very tired.

Jay:

But eventually it will pass after 22 hours and 15 minutes. So, yes, I want to talk about the pain of the march. 22 hours, right, we're talking about things that will pass, things that will subside. Brother, this is 120,000 steps, 22 hours, minimal stops. We're talking gravel rock, whatever they call it. Crush a limestone, I call it dirt. I call it dirt. I call it a little trail, a little alleyway, yes, and while it might be 81 to 86 degrees, whatever backpack on your back, I mean, first of all, you know you're not showering for 24 hours, bro. I mean you get friendly real quick, please, when you watch this and you're a marcher, you better wear deodorant. Yeah, pack it. So what's one thing that you're going to pack that maybe nobody thinks about? What's one thing you felt like maybe I should do this. I know, putting you on the spot, I don't know.

Brett:

I mean besides the deodorant. I mean I don't know I'm trying to pack with me very minimal.

Jay:

All right, I'm going to tell you this. Pack a toothbrush, brother. Okay, you probably didn't think about it, you probably did, but I'm going to tell you right now new breath, new life. Swear to you, brother. Pack a toothbrush, 20 hours in a little rinse. Well, you feel like a new person. That Little little little rants. Well, you feel like a new person. That's good stuff, oh, trust me.

Jay:

So let's talk about the symbolic pain of life, because this is 22 hours and it symbolizes, you know, 22 lives lost. You know a day, you know, with veterans. Isn't that crazy, you know, I know the statistic might be 17-ish now, or what have you. It's just been talked about 22, one life too many, right, just one a day, even. But we're also talking about those who are alive, still battling without shelter over there, and homelessness, right, homelessness doesn't mean you're a hobo in the street, extreme, where you have nothing and you're sleeping there for 122 days straight. It means that you don't have an address to call your own and you've got a couch. Surf, sleep in cars, have temporary roommates, crash with buddies, sleep at your aunt's house, sleep at your grandparents. That's part of homelessness and I remember the shame through that, but the pain that our veterans feel this is where we're going to find the best of us. Bro, this is a what. What part do you think you're? This is your first year. What part are you most worried about? Like, there's gotta be something most worried.

Brett:

I mean, if you ask my friends, it would be. When I get tired I get really cranky, oh good, so just beware Red Latune. Yes, I'm glad you're not in mine. I think it's probably just the weight on my back. I mean, I have a bad back.

Jay:

Okay, well, how much weight are you carrying?

Brett:

Not very much, but it doesn't matter.

Jay:

I know, but you don't have to.

Brett:

You know that right, yeah, oh no, I'm going minimal in my bag. Okay, good, I'm going as minimal as possible.

Jay:

Yes, trust me, even that bag full of two liter water and a few other trinkets in there will weigh a hundred pounds by the time you're done. No, I know the chafing alone. Brother, how much have you trained?

Brett:

I go out three to four times doing five five-ish miles. Okay, good, A couple of longer ones.

Jay:

Yeah, so you feel pretty. How about the feet, brother? That's what's going to play a part, my feet so far are pretty good.

Brett:

Okay, wear some wood here. Yeah, there it is, because that's going to change Saturday and Sunday.

Jay:

That's so funny because I'm going to play this clip back over and over again. My feet are good.

Brett:

I said that's going to change.

Jay:

I'm telling you right now protect those feet, man, you got to. Everyone is different. I wear toe socks and another like a merino wool sock to keep the moisture off of it, and it's a whole routine. Here's the other part. I'm telling you change every stop, oh yeah, if you don't, you'll regret it Again. New clothes, new life that's how I feel.

Jay:

It's like a reset, you know, but symbolically, when we get down into a spiral which I'm sure you've been there, right you disengage and you stop brushing your teeth, you stop taking a shower every day. I'm not saying you, I'm telling you about me. But, man, sometimes you just got to brush your teeth, throw on a new set of clothes, pick your chin up and be accountable to the people around you. Right, because the 50-mile march is not the 50-mile one-man march, it's the 50-mile. Let's get together with other crazy people. March, right. And the part of that is accountability. Brett, you know, in your healing journey, who did you lean on for accountability, or did you lean on people to to pull you out of the, pull you through?

Brett:

ah, I I'm probably really bad at laying on people um yeah, see, there you go.

Jay:

Let's talk about if you're bad. I want to know how bad like let's. Let's just be honest here.

Brett:

I mean, I definitely had some friends. I confided in my folks a lot, Okay, yeah, so there are people you lean on, there are some people. And I went and I sought some help out you know a couple years later Good professional help, good, good. So I think people brought it to my attention that I was not being myself. I mean I was short with things and just wasn't in the right mindset and I didn't whether I saw that myself or not.

Jay:

I mean I think I kind of felt it we're going to be fine, right, and you're going to be okay, right, and you weren't going to do anything bad. But you know what you're doing, right. You're placing yourself second. Whenever you do that, whenever you say I'm going to be fine, you're probably one of those DIY guys. You can probably do a lot of stuff. Are you handy? I'm a little handy, okay, see, that's another symptom. I'm just, I'm generalizing here. But anyone who is independent, handy, do-it-yourselfer researcher, I can do it. I don't need anyone's help. I'll push the car up the driveway myself. Usually, when they get into a bad situation, they try to do it DIY too.

Brett:

And full disclosure. I mean, I probably didn't necessarily seek out the help for myself initially. I wanted to repair those relationships that I think were breaking because I wasn't myself, oh yeah. And so you know it was kind of like okay, I'm going to hurt this relationship and this relationship if I don't fix me. So that's kind of. I mean, they, my friends, definitely pushed me in that direction.

Jay:

But you were accountable at least to your friends Right To say hey, I want to keep this into place again. We're using other people, though. Okay, okay, I'm going to do this for them, but when do you do it for you? Did you do it for you, or when did you start doing it for you?

Brett:

I, I think I I mean I did it for me too um, when I realized that it was hurting other aspects of my life yeah, it was everything I think I had bottled up was going out, yeah, um, and I'd I mean not to get too, too deep, but other stuff had. I had been made aware of some other stuff that really hit home, yeah, um, and that images you can't get out of your, your mind. Yeah, and I think those were really really bothering me, and so I went out and and I sought some help and it was some of the exercises they had me do were amazing and very helpful.

Jay:

Trauma is real, you know physical, mental. You know any trauma I mean. And when I say real, everyone deals with it different, you know, have you ever seen? Um, it's your son's name is Brendan Brendan. Brendan, yeah, brendan. Uh, have you ever seen him crash on a bike when he was a little kid? Absolutely Right, you're like, oh man, it's hard to see, right, but you can't unsee that, right, and that's just, that's a bike crash by your kid. Right, there are things that veterans see better and see that you can't unsee. And you know, even when you close your eyes, the images don't go away. And that's trauma for everybody. And I think you hit it on key is it's so important? You know, sometimes we look at these counselors or psychologists, psychiatrists or these therapists and we prejudge them to say how are you going to fix me? That is, I think, everyone in most people. They walk into a situation and say how are you going to fix me? They're not. They're going to help you process so you can fix yourself.

Brett:

Give you some tools to help you fix yourself.

Jay:

Some of the exercises I'm not going to lie to you are, like, what you want me to do? What? Like you know, there's a I don't know what the name of the therapy is, but it's a vibrating disc in two hands, and what happens is it alternates. And I said to myself what is this? You know, it would vibrate. Close your eyes, it would vibrate here, it would vibrate here, and it's a pattern. Apparently, it works on the hemispheres of the brain and stimulates some sort of feeling that takes anxiety away, you know, or trauma away. And I'm not going to lie to you, it works. You know what I mean, but you have to believe it works too. So so there's people out there right now that what's the first step? I don't even know what to do, brett, like, what should I do? What do?

Brett:

you say the first step is just, uh, make a call to get help and that, and once you get in there they will help lead you yeah you don't have to. Okay, I'm going and this is going to be what I'm going to do. They will lead you to kind of where you need to go. Yeah, and by whatever your story is, give you the tools to help address that story.

Jay:

Did you ever feel like you didn't have time in the beginning. Oh man, I ain't got time for this, absolutely, I still don't have time.

Brett:

I mean you have to make. You have to make time for it. Yeah, um. No, I mean and in my situation, you know, you know now a single father raising a kid, you know, taking care of a house, going to work, um, to try to sneak that in, and then when you're my your kids around, you want to be present for them, so you don't want to be going off doing something else.

Intro Voice:

I mean it's hard.

Brett:

I mean to find time for yourself, but I mean you need to do it.

Jay:

I want to highlight this because you're not sharing custody with anybody anymore per se. You're not co-parenting with anybody right now. It's just you. You know and we were talking about this earlier Single dad. I don't hear too many people go hey, you know, I'm a single dad, right? Do you look at yourself as a single dad, like? Or do you when? When you say, oh, you're a single dad, what does that I think I'm just, I'm the parent.

Brett:

I mean I'm the parent Probably doesn't get the best of both worlds like he had. I mean, that's fair, I can handle the sports and stuff, but all the school and the academics and what class you're supposed to sign up and doctor's appointments that was not my wheelhouse. Yeah, yeah, think about that. You know, we, we take a lot of things for advantage.

Jay:

Yeah, no, I, I get that man, I just, I don't know what I would do. You know whether it's one child, four children or what have you? Um, has, has, what is? Uh, it's Brandon Brandon. What is Brandon's sentiment now to you Like? Has he said anything to you lately that just you're like, oh man, that's so good. Um, he's pretty quiet, he's pretty quiet. He's getting to be a man.

Brett:

And he's bigger than me.

Jay:

I did see that brother.

Brett:

There or not. So he is the most chilled laid back guy. I mean, that's a young man that I could hope for and if he was probably any other child, I don't know if I would have been able to handle this. Yeah, yeah, I think he worries about me, that's fair, and I worry about I mean, we're short story, we're so, we're at the trial and we both had a, we both had to testify at the trial, and I went, I went before him, had to testify at the trial, um, and I went, I went before him, um, and I guess when I was at the truck, the trial um, he was with the victim's advocate out in the room and the guy's like you know, how are you doing?

Jay:

because he was gonna go right after me and he's like I'm fine oh, while you were testifying, so he didn't see most of it, or any did he see. Did he see any of it? So he was worried for you.

Brett:

He was worried for me, which is like, which is crazy? Kids aren't supposed to worry about their parents.

Jay:

No, and parents weren't supposed to worry about the kids. He was 16. 16 at that time Think about that for a second. That's crazy. Most 16 year olds don't even know what they're going to wear for school today. And he said at the time I'm worried about my dad.

Jay:

See, that's when you know you guys did a good job. He is, he is amazing. Yeah, man, you know, I, I just I don't, I haven't thought about all the dimensions of this conversation. You know, again, just I don't prejudge myge, my guests, because I want the connection to be pure, you know, and I want it to be true. I want to share your story so other people don't have to suffer. And this is such a great example, though, of how the human spirit, you know, grows even in adversity, right, of how the human spirit grows even in adversity, right, it's dumb sometimes, or is it dumb when people say, hey, are you ever going to get over it? You don't get over it, you don't get over it.

Jay:

That's what I'm saying and I want to make sure, educationally, that people listen to that. Hey, man, are?

Jay:

you getting over it Like no, you get through it, but you never get over it. Right, a hundred percent. Yeah, man, since I've known you again, I don't know you outside of our conversations and I'm sure we've never hung out but, man, the inspiration that you have set, I want you to know. There are whispers in the galley, right where people are, man, that guy is that's a good dude, you know they're whispering. That's a good you know. You hear all the whispers and I'm sure you hear it, I'm sure you feel it right. But it's all been positive, man, it's all been positive here. We are less than a few days away, bro, I know, dude are less than a few days away, bro, I know, dude, yeah, this it's good.

Jay:

But, um, what do you hope to? What do you hope to accomplish after this, just when you get to the end after all this? First of all, you've got hundreds of miles in. You know you can do this. You look fit. Anyway, your feet are all right right now, right now, right now, uh, you're busy, dad. You spent probably a good two, three, four hundred bucks on gear, I'm sure by now. Right, what do you hope, um, to to see at the end of this for yourself? I want you to be selfish at the end of this for yourself. I want you to be selfish for my for yourself.

Brett:

A to accomplish it, okay, um, uh. And B. I kind of want to show my son that we can. We can, we can do hard things if we put our mind to it. Um, and we want to help other people, Um, and so I want him to see what I'm doing as a very positive thing. Yeah, um. Before I even signed up for this, I asked him if he was okay with it. Oh, yeah. I mean cause I. I mean I don't you know cause you don't know how he felt.

Brett:

Yeah, I don't know. I want him to understand the reason why I did this, yeah, um, and to see how hard it is and that I'm willing to do this and put my body through it, um, and get the story out there to help other people. So I, I kind of I want him to be able to see that in me, um, what I'm doing, um, and then that everyone else sees that I mean, we talk about you know, you know, you know Carrie was killed and all this. But it's not just that, it's not just the veteran that is suffering, um, and whether veteran takes his own life, there's other people around that are going to suffer, yeah, whether they have kids, they, they have a spouse, siblings, mom, dad, they're, they're all going to be hurt if that, yeah, um. So I think I mean really just, you know getting this story out there. You know modeling behaviors.

Jay:

I want my son yes, if the, if nothing else, right. He's going to say my dad did this selflessly to show me how to be a better man. That's pretty cool, bro, See, and you were at the mission briefing weren't you.

Jay:

Where I said stop telling your kids what to do Right. Show them what to do. Did you hear that loud and clear? Absolutely, brother. Stop telling your kids to be a star athlete. Stop telling your kids to you know, aspire to be something that you weren't. Show them who you are and you'd only be so lucky that they model your behavior. You know everyone's kids are different and what I hope most for my kids is that they can think on their own, that they share a little bit more if they have a little more right. Share a little more of what you have extra and just don't worry about too much, because that will paralyze you, man, that will paralyze you. So that's the other part. When you were thinking of signing up on this, I'm sure some people family friends were like whoa man, what are you doing again? I was one of them, right?

Brett:

I mean I, I was, you know, I was, I was kind of worried, like I mean, I didn't know what their opinions were going to be or, you know, if they were going to truly understand the reason why I was doing this. Um, so far it's been, you know, very positive that you raised a ton of money I, I, it went pretty quick it went very quick.

Jay:

anybody we won't say the name, but anybody donate that. You're like whoa, Like hey, I didn't know that I didn't talk to them.

Brett:

You know, when I was in college I used to coach high school baseball out in Wyoming. One of the guys I coached donated. A guy I probably haven't talked to in 25 years, 20 years. That should tell you something as a coach brother that should tell you something.

Jay:

Because a coach brother? That should tell you something? Because when you don't talk to somebody for 25 years and they recognize you for something you do with resources or money from their own pocket, you ain't talked in 25 years. That's a great surprise. Yeah, I was like that's super cool.

Brett:

I mean like I would never expect that, but very appreciative. That says something about you, man.

Jay:

I mean, like I would never expected that, but very appreciative that's. Uh, that says something about you, man. I hope so. I mean, I'm sure you're not perfect, right I am.

Brett:

I am very far from perfect.

Jay:

I mean, we can call Brendan right now and he will tell you all the way that I'm not perfect, hey, but but you know, while all of us are not perfect, we can do things with good people. You know, and go through this journey of life. You know, I want to share this with you and I really want you to remember this. I want this experience to stay with every end user, with every I call them end users, right With every marcher, with every volunteer, with everyone who's involved. End users right With every marcher, with every volunteer, with everyone who's involved. But I do want to talk to the walkers for a second, because in 22 hours of pain, you know, I don't care how great of an athlete you are, it's just a test. So I tell people hey, some people live 70% of life. They go to work, they pay bills, they go to sleep. They go to work, they pay bills, they go to sleep. That's 70% of life. Nothing wrong with that, right? Then you get 85% of life where people are like you know what? I'm going to work out a little bit, I'm going to make an impact here, I'm going to take care of myself and I'm going to do some good things. That's good. Then there's the 95 percenters. Here's what I talk about. The 95 percenters will find the best of themselves when they put themselves through grueling pain.

Jay:

I'm never going to say what we are is Ironman triathlete. I'm never going to say that we're Olympians, because we're not, but we are willing to put our bodies through 120,000 steps, 50 miles, 22 to 23 hours, sleep deprivation, food deprivation. You know, I mean just just the struggle. And I promise you, on this journey of 50 miles, you'll find 95% of yourself, brother. You'll find pain that you never knew. You know 100% is when you die. Like evil can evil, he's living 100% of life. When you do crazy stuff and you die, that's 100%. 95% is just enough to scare you. Yeah, just get to the edge, that's it, brother. Get right to the edge and you look at yourself and you say are these blisters going to stop me? You and you look at yourself and you say are these blisters going to stop me? You know, that's the other thing, right? What's going to stop you? Let me ask you that what's going to stop you? Like, what kind of injury would stop you? I mean, right, you don't know.

Brett:

Yeah, I can't Walking. I don't know if there could be an injury that would stop you.

Jay:

I mean snapping Achilles you, I mean snapping achilles. That would be bad, right, that would be very bad.

Brett:

But you've been practicing so your achilles should be, it should be good. Yeah, I don't know, I don't. I mean I. I, you know, expect the blisters and the sore feet and the aching back and, um, just being completely tired. So, yeah, I mean it, it's gonna suck it, it is Should be a hard thing, yeah, and that's just it.

Jay:

So, wrapping this up, I want to ask you if there's someone out there right now they're thinking of getting involved next year, or they're thinking of getting involved just to ruck to do this man, to do this man. You heard it right? Oh, I'd like to do that. You're like oh, would you, what would you?

Brett:

say to them brother, I do it, um, challenge yourself, yeah, um, I mean at least I mean go out there and see, see if you can do it, see if it's something you like, um, uh, and maybe, if you're not getting involved with rucking and walking, you know there's other ways to get involved. I mean, be a volunteer. Yeah, there's nothing saying you can't raise funds by not walking. You can still. But I mean, challenge yourself, do crazy things, yeah, and see where it takes you.

Jay:

Let's see where it takes you. Of all the veteran organizations that you've known, you know um.

Brett:

You looked at ours and what caught your eye about us and yet, because I think it was just, it was so many different areas. Um, the community hope, yes, and again, having people involved and they had great experiences with it. Um, word of mouth, yeah, uh. So I mean, I think it's kind of really stuck out. It's local, yeah, it's not for sure national thing, it's very local.

Brett:

It's all coming here, brother, um so like, keep it in, keep it in the community here, yeah so you know, this is, this is something that you become part of and it becomes part of you.

Jay:

You never leave this. You know that, right, I become very, very well aware of that. Yeah, I'm sure you met good friends along the way.

Brett:

Yeah, it's been great. I've gone on some weekend rucks with my team and had great conversations.

Jay:

Isn't that funny to say. My team, my team Team, right, right for team.

Brett:

Rumor is we're the best platoon.

Jay:

Oh, that's a rumor, though that's a rumor, Ugly rumor right there, bro, Because it's all about the white platoon. Well, listen, I appreciate you honoring or sharing your story. I honor the life of your ex-wife. Sharing your son's story with us. Being vulnerable takes a lot of guts you know, Takes a lot of strength to be able to talk about this stuff, and someone's going to listen today and they're going to figure out what their connection is. Thanks for being on, brother. Appreciate it, appreciate you, brother.

Brett:

Good yes.

Intro Voice:

That was so good, man. Thanks for tuning in to the Connection. It's been a fantastic journey, exploring stories, insights and inspirations that bridge our lives. Remember every connection has the power to transform. Please subscribe, rate and review. Your feedback keeps us going In this connected world. Let's make meaningful connections that enrich lives. Now signing off until next time, the Connection, keep connecting and let's go.